It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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