Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
