I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
