I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
