I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
oh god the rape fog is back!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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