So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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