I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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