you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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