I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We talked him into tasing himself.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
