Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
