Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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