1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
