Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
