he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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