I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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