WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I want to fling myself into the sun
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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