I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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