Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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