I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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