now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
