I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
