I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
