Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
