U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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