I showed him my bush... on skype.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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