Cold hands, warm shart.
Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
