do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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