At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
