I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
