No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
