Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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