I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
So many bounce houses so little time
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
