Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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