I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
