Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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