There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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