I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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