so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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