I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
