can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
