dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
