I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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