Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
