the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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