A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
