i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
