You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
