You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
do nipples grow back?
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