my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
