Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
